In the last few weeks I have started to feel so "overwhelmed" with everything going on around me. There are so many changes that are going to take place within the next year and I have no idea which way they could go.
Clay will graduate in May and then will be on a mission to find a job hopefully before the school year starts. We will welcome baby #2 in April. I am struggling with my job and which direction to go after baby #2 arrives. We are in full "terrible two" mode with Bryson, need I say more. And with all of this I have got to find time to potty train him before the baby gets here.
I know some of these things might sound trivial to some of you, but for me they are terrifying. I feel like I have lost all control of the things around me. And being pregnant and working night shift is not a good combination for me. I stay tired ALL the time! My house looks like a tornado has come through and I don't even know where to being to get it back to where it was before. And if I'm being completely honest, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I stay in my pajama's alot during my week off. I would rather Clay just pick something up to eat on his way home than cook anything.
This is not who I am! This is not who Clay married! This is not who I wanted Bryson to have for a mother! How in the world am I going to be able to raise two children?
Just before I started writing this post Erin at Blue-Eyed Bride wrote a great post on battles and wars. She talked about being a mother of a two-year old and the struggles that she is going through. I really felt like she was talking right at me. At the end of her post she said "turning to God in prayer is her biggest hope." And that's when it hit me...
I've been so consumed with all the changes soon to take place, feeling like I have failed as Bryson's mother, not having any motivation for anything; that I have forgotten to take time to sit with God in prayer and ask for His help.
I am so thankful for a God who doesn't expect me to be perfect even when I think I need to be. A God of second chances, because boy do I need them.
Psalm 121:1&2
1. I will lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? 2. My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
1. I will lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? 2. My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
Oh Jennifer...I can only imagine. I remember Dave graduating grad school the month we found out I was FINALLY pregnant and being terrified of all the unknowns. And then I remember our house taking THREE MONTHS to close while I was getting more and more pregnant (with the threat of twins often come early!!)
ReplyDeleteI am a control freak too, and I HATE not knowing what's happening next in the big areas of my life. And I hate feeling out of control in even the little details of my life.
I will be praying you can expect God's grace, and Clay's grace, and Bryson's grace. =). They all 3 love you dearly and where you are at now is NOT where you will be forever. You are growing a PERSON right now and that takes A LOT OF WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you can - cut yourself some slack =). Eat take out. Let your house be a tornado. And just rest in the knowledge that it won't be like this forever.
Have you ever read the book "I was a really good mom before I had kids?" it's so so so good. If you email me your address I'll mail it to you. It has helped me so much. Yes, I still struggle all the time, but that book helps me ask myself "are my expectations realistic right now?" and often they are not =). Lowering my expectations -for my house, for myself (hello baby weight 18 months later and often doesn't shower or run a brush through my hair on my stay at home momma days) and my work (I work hard while I am there, but I do not stay late or go "above and beyond" like I did before I was a momma) and even my expectations of the type of momma I want to be. I just can't do it all.
It doesn't work every time - I still fail ALOT and then wallow in it - but it helps =)